I’m writing this post mostly for me, but I share it because I think it may be helpful to you, dear reader.
I admit that today I have had anxiety about my finances. My husband is in graduate school making less than $19,000 a year. I, having been hospitalized in May 2023 for psychosis, have had to start my life over. I’m studying to become a clinical herbalist, along with a deep study of magic, which takes up quite a bit of time, plus I run this blog, and I volunteer twice a week at an herbal apothecary in town. I’m busy, but no money is coming in except what my family provides us to help out with rent and groceries. This morning I worked out our annual budget. If we don’t have extra income beyond family assistance and my husband’s paychecks, we’ll be running at a deficit all this year.
“Now, Elena,” you may say, “Why study herbalism and magic and run this blog and essentially work for free and then feel anxious about money? Why not go for a stable job at a business consulting firm or start a business doing SEO? Why go this route, if you’re going to be anxious about money?”
I’ll tell you why. There are actually two reasons.
The nobler one is this: my Teacher, Yeshua, says in the Gospel of Matthew, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all of these thing [that you need] will be added unto you.” I find the wisdom of the kingdom in plants, I understand how the kingdom works via magical studies, and I share what I learn here.
The second reason is that I have a martyr complex. I give and give and give without boundaries because, subconsciously, I think by over-giving I’ll receive more in return. I create situations of suffering for myself in this way. I’ve done it in relationships, friendships, with family, and on the job. Caroline Myss says of the martyr that the potential of this archetype is to become the vessel of a cause, like Nelson Mandela or Martin Luther King, Jr. The unconscious acting out of this archetype, however, looks a lot like… “Why me? All these sacrifices I make for you, and this is the thanks I get!”
Tonight I’ve seen my martyr complex for the disempowering story that it is. Caroline Myss also says that every person’s journey is one of empowerment, ultimately. The way I would put it is that it’s a journey of spiritual sovereignty. I realize that I have some potentially hard choices ahead of me. Practically speaking, my household can’t be operating at a deficit. It’s not sustainable. If I want my mental health to be stable, I need financial stability.
Proverbs says, “If you get anything, get wisdom. Get understanding.” My main teacher of magical studies says that if you ask for prosperity, you get next to nothing. If you ask for wisdom, you get true prosperity. Rather than praying for more money to rain down on me, I keep asking for wisdom and insight. The above is the insight I’ve had thus far.
It takes wisdom and insight to see Reality. It also takes wisdom and insight to run a sustainable business. Anxiety begets only more anxiety, as I have learned for the umpteenth time today. Ah, but wisdom begets everything we need in order to prosper.
One of my favorite parts of the Bible is Proverbs 31. Upon first glance, it appears to be a passage about the perfect wife: she runs the household well, she owns her own business, she creates a good reputation for her husband. But this passage is about Sophia, Holy Wisdom.
Sophia is the Wisdom of God that makes the solar system run in perfect order. She is the intelligence of plants and animals, the magnetism of the moon upon the tides, and the crown of the human species. Those who partner with Sophia are able to run their affairs in orderly fashion, own a business, and garner a good reputation… that, and much more.
The lover of Sophia knows the Great Secret: that there is only One, the unnameable, unknowable, unfathomable Mystery. What Sophia gives is practical wisdom, yes, but she also bestows, as Yeshua was fond of saying, “the eyes to see and the ears to hear.” In the hand of Sophia is the key to the kingdom of God. All treasures pale in comparison to the preciousness of Holy Wisdom (“A good wife who can find; she is far more precious than rubies.”).
I trust that in seeking after Holy Wisdom, I will be given everything I need to prosper in this life. I don’t need a huge house or a fancy car. I have a loving husband, food on my table, a room of my own in which to work and meditate. All my needs are taken care of. And funny enough, money comes as we need, no sooner than we need it. For all my worrying, I cannot add a single hour to my span of life, as Yeshua said.
And yet, practical wisdom tells me that it’s unsustainable for me to work for free.
Yeshua says in his discourse in the Gospel of Matthew, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” I realize that in order for me to maintain a sense of inner peace, I cannot think like the world around me thinks, and I can’t think like the martyr at a lower level of consciousness.
What does the Mind of Christ think?
That the present moment is enough. That, just as we can always find conditions for suffering, we can also find all the conditions for happiness right here, right now. All sense of anxiety melts away when I stay in the present. Just for today, we can pay our credit card bills and have money left over. Today, we have plenty of food and a warm apartment. Today, I have enough.
And tomorrow, I will tap my connections. I will have hard conversations. I will encourage myself and empower myself to make the best decision for my well-being. But that’s for tomorrow.
Today, I have everything I need.
